“Ruin
is a gift. Ruin is the road to transformation.” That is a line from a movie-I’ve-seen-based-on-a-book-I-have-not-read,
“Eat, Pray, Love”; the same words that kept ringing in my head while listening
to the first of the series of CLP talks (Christian Life Program). CLP Talk 1 was about God’s love and to my
mind ruin is the ultimate expression of God’s love.
Yes,
it is hard to believe how that could possibly be true. In fact, one of the key points of Talk 1 is how
the evil in the world makes it hard, if not impossible, to believe that we are
loved by our God. You probably expect me
to tell you to believe in God’s love despite the presence of evil in the world
and in our personal lives because, after all, isn’t faith “confidence in what
we hope for and assurance about what we do not see”[1]? That’s true, yes, but it is equally true that
we should stand firm in our belief in God’s love for us, not only despite of but also because of the presence of evil.
In
the dark, in the midst of a tragedy, we question God’s love and wisdom. I guess it’s in our nature. Perhaps when you believe in God and actually
have a relationship with Him, a little tampo
now and then is inevitable. Oh I
have met some people who have never questioned God’s love for them because they
believe that He exists only in the heads of the unenlightened. But read on as I make a case FOR RUIN.
Case in point No. 1, my
first heartbreak. Without going into details, suffice it to say
that I have not really known betrayal or despair before that. And I have never prayed as hard as I have
then. I would pray at 3:00 am and at
every hour after that. I cried myself to
sleep and woke up crying. With that
lifestyle it was not a surprise that I lost a lot of weight, a lot of unwanted
weight. In just a few months I had the
body I never thought, but always dreamed, I could have. And believe me, after surviving that much
pain, it is close to impossible not to come out a little more stronger and
braver. That I am standing strong and
tall after that episode is proof undeniable that if God brings you to it, He’ll get
you through it. Since then, every
time my heart feels fear, a little voice in my head cries, “you’ve been through
worse!”.
With
all the confusion that comes with a relationship that ends so suddenly, I found
and learned to love ME. While I used to
always fear being alone, I now value and wear as a badge of honor my
independence and my individuality. While
I used to aspire to be a prototype/perfect girlfriend I now only wish to be me
and to, each day, grow into a woman after God’s own heart. While I made the mistake of making my life
revolve around making a relationship last no matter how painful and unhealthy,
I now understand that some relationships MUST end. I am nowhere near perfection but believe me
when I say that many of the qualities I always wanted but feared I could never
have, have been revealed to me as PART of me.
Yes,
I was for some time ruined but that
ruin was part of God’s perfect plan.
Case in point No. 2, my
first failed examS. Months after receiving my Tax 2 and Evidence
midterm exams I was still devastated. I feared
failing these subjects but even more heart wrenching, I feared that maybe this is
not the profession I was called to practice.
Perhaps I was not cut out be a lawyer?
Perhaps going back to law school was a mistake?
When
I quit my first law school, I said that the law profession was just not for me, then someone reminded me, “destiny is not a matter of chance, it is a matter of
choice”. I never talked to him again
since. But I know now that there’s some wisdom there. After my failed midterm exams, I no longer go
to law school because in there I find something that I’m good at but because
this is the path I have chosen and I have chosen to be excellent at it. There are days when my heart is scared and my
brain is overwhelmed but those days I still choose to show up because my
failure has shown me na mahal ko na pala ‘to
kasi after I failed, not just once, my first thought was not quitting but
how to be better. And that has been my
armor ever since.
It
is God’s love which makes ruin a gift.
It is God’s love which turns our darkest hour, our biggest failures, and
our heartbreaking disappointments into a moment of grace. He makes the cause of our downfall the road
to our salvation. That is what differentiates
the love of our Heavenly Father from that of our earthly parents. They all love us, that’s for sure, but while
our earthly parents would move heaven and earth to shield us from pain, Father
God brings us pain so we could live the life He has promised us.
But
as in anything in life, we have a choice; God after all has also given us free
will. We can choose to embrace God’s
love or turn our backs from Him. It’s
SWIM to Him or SINK in evil. The choice
is yours, my friend.
