Resurrection TO Ascension

Matthew Hussey, the "reluctant" "relationship mentor," said (in that uber sexy British accent) that a great litmus test to determine whether you want your ex for the right reasons is to ask yourself this question, "if someone came along tomorrow, would you still want your ex back?". If the answer is "No" then you don't really want him back, you're just lonely and that's never a good reason to go back to your ex.

And if I were to be truly authentic and honest to myself, I'd rather be single than with my ex again. But the loneliness, after being in a relationship for close to two years, is extremely painful. But it also means I am just "feeling" lonely but I don't really want him back. And you can't possibly "lose" or "miss" someone you don't want in your life in the first place.

So recognizing and "surrendering" to that feeling of loneliness gave me the freedom to see this period in my life for what it truly is, God's rare and precious gift to put the spotlight on me. To put myself under a microscope. To figure "me" out. It's rare because many people never get or refuse to grab the chance. And it's precious because it would be such a waste to live someone else's life.

I asked God why I have to go through this pain again. If it is loneliness that is killing me then why doesn't He send his BEST to me na? If the only reason it hurts is because I haven't met my God's BEST yet, why won't He reveal him to me? And He answered, because I need you alone right now. I need you outside of a relationship so you can put the focus and attention on yourself. To grow. To self-improve. To discover the dreams I put in your heart and to make them come true. Growth requires focus. Transformation requires attention.

Aminin mo, you're a "dream enabler". You're so good at helping people realize and pursue their dreams, but not yours. You're good at it because you love doing it. You are naturally interested in what drives people. And you enjoy being a part of what makes those dreams real. But in the process, you lose sight of your own dreams. Or worse, and you've done this so many times that it hurts to watch, you discard your own dreams to align your life with someone else's plans.

Solidify your character and values first. Build your own life. That whoever comes along will always just be icing on the cake but never the cake. That the icing may eventually leave but its leaving will never leave the cake half a cake. 

I also kept bugging God about why death and resurrection have to be a part of life. I know resurrection requires death, the dying of something. But why do we need resurrection in the first place.

His answer (finally :)) is ascension. Because resurrection is a prerequisite to ascension. To ascend is to go to a higher place. If Jesus hadn't accepted death, there wouldn't be a resurrection nor ascension and He would have remained human with an unfulfilled mission. But God wants us to ascend, to join Him in heaven, that is how much He loves us.

I used to fear the thought that my God is a jealous God Who will remove anything and anyone that takes His place in my life. But now that thought just makes me kilig. That kind of love that I've been searching all these years was mine all along. And no man can compare. But an enlightened man can be God's perfect expression of His love for me.

Do not trust your circumstances. Have faith in God and His grand plans for you. 

May God shower you with grace and blessings more than you could ever imagine. :)

Deconstruct to Reconstruct

Remove your "definitions" of yourself. Definitions breed limitations.

Only now do I understand fully what a law professor once said, "here in the College of Law, we break you so that we can rebuild you."

Yes, sometimes we need to be rebuilt. Especially when we've gone on for so long on our own, and so far off from the path God wants us on.

He needs to remove the old so that the new may come out.

Death is necessary for a resurrection.

Transformation requires the dying of the old.

He strips us of everything that is not from Him and that we don't need for our mission.

And He reveals what is in us that is of Him.

But this process of deconstructing is painful.

But this process of deconstructing is necessary to reconstruct.

And to be deconstructed and reconstructed by the Master's hand is a privilege and an honor.

This process is painful but exciting.

I am forced to question all my life long held beliefs and things I said about myself.

I am forced to break my self-imposed barriers by refusing to "define" myself.

I am more than just a lawyer.

It was a mistake to define myself as someone's girlfriend and I will never let that happen again. In my future relationship, I will be a woman in a loving and committed relationship.

I am not "in between relationships". I am living my life. Pursuing my mission, which includes discovering it.

I am no longer one thing and not another. At the moment though there are things I haven't tried but most likely will, at least once.

Don't get me wrong, my values are very much intact. I know right from wrong. But my guideposts are kindness and obedience to God, everything not contrary to those, I will try.

I will learn how to cook.

I will learn ballet again.

I will learn bookkeeping and manage my own finances.

With God on board, we will create and re-create me.